'Your life experiences and your own preferences are the most important ways to define yourself.' — Lara
What does it mean to be a lesbian?
In general terms, a lesbian is a person who is attracted to women and non-binary people (the current standard often defines this as 'non-men who are attracted to non-men'). Attraction and relationships can be sexual, emotional, romantic and/or spiritual.
Some people may use other words to identify themselves, such as the umbrella terms ‘gay’ or ‘queer’. Different people feel comfortable with different terminology, so it is always best to ask and respect their preferences.
Key definitions
- Sex assigned at birth: When a person is born, doctors determine their sex based on biological characteristics.
- Gender: What defines a person across the spectrum of femininity or masculinity. This includes both social expectations regarding behaviour and personal self-perception and self-identification.
- Sexual orientation: Who you are attracted to. It is not determined by sex or gender. Transgender people can have any sexual orientation.
- Cisgender: A gender identity in which your sex assigned at birth and your gender are the same. For example, a person assigned female at birth identifies as a girl/woman.
- Intersex variations: A condition in which biological characteristics do not fit into the typical binary system of ‘male’ or ‘female’.
Millions of people around the world share this experience, and identifying as a lesbian is a natural part of human diversity.
How do I know if I’m a lesbian — and is it normal?
Being a lesbian is absolutely normal! It’s completely natural, and lesbians have always existed. The process of realising your sexual orientation can be difficult, confusing, or simply take a long time.
Some lesbians know from an early age that they aren’t attracted to boys, but like girls/women. Others may have relationships or even love men before they realise their attraction to women. Both scenarios are perfectly valid.
Questions to ponder:
- When I daydream or fantasise, do I think about other girls or women?
- Can I imagine myself on a date, being intimate or in a relationship with a woman?
- Have I ever had romantic feelings for another girl or woman?
- Do I feel different from my straight friends when they talk about boys?
Don’t worry if you don’t have the answers yet. Figuring out your sexuality can take time. How you identify yourself may change, and that’s natural. Only you can define yourself correctly.
‘For me, connecting with other queer/ trans youth and building a community is the best part of being a lesbian.’ — Rahina, 21
What does it mean to be a young lesbian?
Young people are paving the way for greater acceptance and equal rights. However, homophobia still exists, and some face discrimination. It’s important to remember that your sexuality is just one part of who you are, and everyone’s experience is unique.
Finding people who will support you on this journey can make it easier. Social media offers a way to connect and find other young people in the LGBTQ+ community. At the start of your journey, it’s vital to feel a sense of connection and support from those who share your experience and understand you.
‘For me personally, it was never a thing where I ‘came out’. I just was out, I started dating the same sex/ gender as me and was always just like "this is who I am," accept it or not, but get out of my face either way.’ — Lara
Should I come out?
Coming out is the process of accepting your sexuality and letting the people you want to know about it. There’s no need to come out if you don’t want to or don’t feel safe doing so.
If you do decide to, start with those you trust: your close circle, siblings, or by seeking reliable psychological support. Reactions vary: you may encounter both acceptance and rejection. Most young people feel calmer and more confident after accepting themselves.
Taking care of your health in relationships
Taking care of your health means making informed decisions about what you want to do and using protection. Sex (oral, anal, vaginal), including the use of toys, can carry risks, so it is important to use protection and get tested regularly for STIs and HIV.
It is important to remember about reproductive health: if one person has a penis and testicles and the other has a vagina and a uterus, pregnancy can occur. Condoms and contraceptive methods (IUDs, the pill) are effective in preventing unwanted pregnancy.
Types of sex and protection:
- Oral and anal sex: There are risks of HIV and STI transmission. Protection: condoms, dental dams, PrEP.
- Vaginal sex: There are risks of HIV, STI transmission and pregnancy. Protection: condoms, contraception, PrEP.
In a healthy partnership:
- Respect each other.
- Use each other’s preferred names and pronouns. Never use incorrect terms of address to intentionally cause harm.
- Trust each other and accept differences.
- Respect the need for personal space (privacy).
- Enjoy activities both together and separately.
- Respect sexual boundaries and can say ‘no’ to sex.
- Discuss contentious issues calmly and find compromises.
- Share their sexual history and sexual health status with each other.
- Approach sex with the same mutual respect applied to other matters.
If there is control, coercion or violence in a relationship, it is an unhealthy relationship. You have the right to end it at any time.
'I never had an official ‘coming out’,... In middle school, I had my first girlfriend and when people said "oh, I didn’t know you weren’t straight," those conversations were my ‘coming out.' — Ose, 19 years old
What are my rights and where can I turn?
Everyone has the fundamental right to be who they are. No one but you has the right to define your sexual orientation. Unfortunately, laws and regulations do not always take our rights into account, so it is important to familiarise yourself with the situation and regulations in your area.
If you need support:
- Reach out to trusted adults: close friends, siblings or counselling services.
- Search online for local NGOs, support groups or online networks in your area.
- Consult with allied doctors who guarantee confidential care.
'Coming out is a long process. I have learned to do it on my own time. My identity is everevolving and I have my whole life to come out to the world. My identity is mine.' — Tyunique
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE A LESBIAN? YOU ARE LOVED AND VALUED FOR WHO YOU ARE.
