‘Trust your gut and allow yourself the grace and gentleness of uncertainty for as long as you need. You have your whole life to figure out who you are and what you want. You can identify as ace now and change your mind later. You can identify as ace but sometimes experience sexual attraction. You can choose to have or not to have sex for a million valid reasons. None of this is hard and fast, and most importantly, you don’t owe anyone an explanation.' — Foster
What does it mean to be asexual?
Asexual people are those who experience little or no sexual attraction or desire for sexual contact. This orientation covers a whole spectrum of how people experience asexuality. Asexual people also use the abbreviation ‘Ace’ to describe their sexual orientation.
An ace person may be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual or queer, as sexual attraction is just one type of attraction. You may or may not identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community. It is important to ask about this and to respect personal preferences.
You can still feel physical, emotional, mental and/or spiritual attraction to someone, date, fall in love and get married, even if you don’t have sex or don’t want to. Some asexual people may have sex or masturbate, whilst others do not. Being asexual simply means that you do not feel a desire to have sex.
Key Definitions
- Sex assigned at birth: At birth, doctors determine a person’s sex—male or female—based on biological characteristics and chromosomes.
- Gender: What defines a person across the spectrum of femininity or masculinity. This includes both social expectations regarding behaviour and personal self-perception and self-identification.
- Sexual orientation: Who you are sexually attracted to. It is not determined by sex or gender. Transgender people can have any sexual orientation.
- Cisgender: A gender identity in which the sex assigned at birth and gender align. For example, a person assigned female at birth identifies as a woman.
- Intersex variations: People with intersex characteristics have biological traits that do not fit the typical binary system.
Around 1% of people worldwide are asexual.
How do I know if I’m asexual — and is that normal?
Asexuality is absolutely normal! It is just as healthy an orientation as any other, and you can still have fulfilling relationships.
It can be difficult to figure yourself out, especially given how much attention is paid to sex in popular culture. It may take time, and that’s perfectly normal. Some people know this from an early age, whilst others only realise it later on.
Questions to think about:
- Have you ever felt sexually attracted to another person?
- Do you want to engage in sexual activities?
- If you ever want to date or get married, do you want sex to be part of that relationship?
- If you have already experienced sexual intimacy, did you enjoy it? Do you want to repeat that experience?
Don’t worry if you don’t have the answers yet. Realising your sexual orientation can take time. Your identity may change and develop, and that’s natural. Only you can define yourself correctly.
'It’s okay to experiment. It’s okay to have "phases", it’s okay to try labels out for a while and learn they don’t fit, or go back and forth. It takes time. And you’re not a "bad" person of your other identities for it.' — Noor
What is it like to be a young asexual person?
There may be misconceptions about young asexual people. Some may think that being young makes it hard to understand your orientation, but only you have the right to decide who you really are.
Social media has given young people the chance to connect and find other asexual people. It might be hard to find your community at first, but it’s really important to feel a sense of connection and support from people who understand you. Having a supportive network along the way can make things easier.
'I spent years feeling broken and worrying that my anxiety/dysphoria/ trauma history were holding me back from sex. In truth, asexuality and dysphoria and anxiety are all part of the complicated and ever-changing feelings I have about sex and my body, and that’s ok!' — Foster
Should I come out?
Coming out is the process of accepting your sexuality and letting the people you want to know hear about it. There’s no need to come out if you don’t want to or don’t feel safe doing so.
If you do decide to, start with those you trust: your close circle, siblings, or by seeking trusted psychological support. Reactions can vary, and having someone to talk to can help. Some people don’t understand what it means to be an ace person, so it’s important to find those who will be supportive.
In a healthy partnership:
- They respect each other.
- They use preferred names and pronouns. They never use the wrong form of address intentionally.
- They trust each other and accept differences.
- They respect the need for personal space (privacy).
- They enjoy activities both together and separately.
- Respect sexual boundaries and are able to say ‘no’ to sex.
- Discuss contentious issues calmly and find compromises.
- Share their sexual history and health status.
- Approach sex and discussions about it with the same mutual respect applied to other matters.
If there is control, coercion or violence in the relationship, it is an unhealthy relationship. You have the right to end it at any time.
How can you look after your health if you decide to become sexually active?
Some Aces decide to become sexually active when they find the right person. In this case, it is important to remember about protection. Looking after yourself means making informed decisions and taking precautions. Sex (oral, anal, vaginal), including the use of toys, can carry risks of STIs and HIV transmission. It is recommended to get tested regularly once a year and to consult with doctors.
Pregnancy prevention: It is important to know that if one person has a penis and testicles and the other has a vagina and a uterus, pregnancy can occur. Use condoms or other methods of contraception if you wish to prevent it.
Risks and Protection:
- Oral and anal sex: There are risks of HIV and STIs. Protection: condoms, dental dams, PrEP.
- Vaginal sex: There are risks of HIV, STIs and pregnancy. Protection: condoms, contraception, PrEP.
‘Identifying as asexual has been a powerful part of me claiming space for myself and conceptualizing what I want and need. I still feel a lot of shame and guilt about establishing boundaries with partners, but it’s been so freeing for me to realize that I don’t need to perform sexuality to be worthy of love and affection.’ — Foster
Your Rights and Support
Everyone has the right to be who they are. No one but you has the right to define your sexual orientation or how you live your life. However, sometimes laws and regulations do not take our rights into account, so it is important to research the situation in your area.
If you need support:
- Reach out to those in your circle of trusted elders: close friends, siblings or counselling services.
- Search online for local NGOs and support groups in your area.
- Consult with allied doctors who guarantee confidentiality.
'Coming out is a long process. I have learned to do it on my own time. My identity is everevolving and I have my whole life to come out to the world. My identity is mine.' — Tyunique
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE AN AS-PERSON? YOU ARE LOVED AND VALUED FOR WHO YOU ARE.
