Introduction
Polyamory is a form of ethical multiplicity of relationships. The aim of this guide is to explain this concept, which is little known to many, and to address some of the prejudices and misconceptions that polyamorous people encounter in their daily lives, for example, during pregnancy consultations, in therapy, or in healthcare settings.
Polyamory means living in intimate relationships (romantic, sexual, or both) with several people at the same time — openly, honestly, and with the informed consent of all parties. Polyamory differs from other forms of ethical relationship diversity, such as swinging or open relationships, primarily in that its aim is to build multiple romantic and intertwined human connections.
Rejecting the assumptions, expectations and practices of the monogamous model allows for the formation of relationships that are unique and tailored to people’s individual needs, rather than people conforming to conventional models and roles. Polyamorous people are perfectly ordinary people who have simply chosen a way of living their relationships that differs from social norms and expectations. Most prejudices stem from the monogamous norm and misconceptions that deviating from this norm causes mental health issues or relationship problems.
Much of this guide is based on personal experience and precedents from the poly community, as well as on the research of Dr Elizabeth Sheff in the US.
Glossary of Relationship Terms
Monogamy
A single-partner relationship. An ideal whereby a person is in a romantic, emotional and/or sexually intimate relationship with only one person throughout their life. Romantic or sexual interest in anyone other than this single ‘right’ person is considered forbidden. Often used as a synonym for serial monogamy — a practice in which a person is in an intimate relationship with only one person at a time, but may have several such relationships over the course of their life.
Polyamory
A form of multiple relationships in which one may have sexual, emotional and/or romantically intimate relationships with several people simultaneously, with the conscious consent and approval of all parties. People who identify as polyamorous or who live in polyamorous relationships may refer to themselves as ‘poly’. Polyamory is not directly linked to a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity.
Relationship anarchy
A philosophy and/or practice of relationships that emphasises people’s freedom to form any kind of connection with whomever they choose, without classification, hierarchy or restriction by pre-established commitments. Relationship anarchists often value spontaneity and do not necessarily draw a clear distinction between ‘partners’ and other people.
Swinging
The practice of having sex with someone other than one’s partner, by mutual consent, whilst neither party intends to form a romantic relationship with the other participants. Swinging is often practised by couples together and by mutual decision.
Open relationships
Intimate relationships between two people in which sexual contact with others is unrestricted, but romantic interaction and the formation of romantic relationships with others are restricted.
Open/Closed
These terms are used to describe the state of a relationship in a specific area. For example, a romantically open relationship permits romantic feelings and attraction towards other people besides the current partners. Sexually closed relationships do not permit sexual contact with anyone other than the partners. Monogamous relationships are romantically and sexually closed relationships between two people. Polyamorous relationships are romantically and sexually open relationships between two people, and poly relationships may involve several different partners.
Metamour
A person with whom your partner is in a relationship, but with whom you yourself are not romantically or sexually involved.
What is Polyamory?
The term polyamory is a combination of the Greek word poly (‘many’) and the Latin word amor (‘love’) and literally means ‘many loves’. As a relationship model, it is a form of ethical non-monogamy in which the aim is to build and maintain several romantic, emotionally and/or sexually intimate relationships simultaneously — openly, honestly and with the informed consent of all parties.
The Evolution of the Concept
The concept began to take shape in the 1990s, when it became distinct from other forms of multiple relationships.
- 1990s: There was a need for a new term to describe ethical polyamory, which allows for romance and close emotional bonds. This distinguished it from unethical practices (cheating).
- The 2000s: Polyamory came to mean specifically conscious, ethical non-monogamy. A significant part of the vocabulary and practices took shape during this period.
- The 2010s: It became clear that gender equality and feminism are key prerequisites for polyamory. The concept of relationship anarchy took shape.
Polyamory as Identity and Practice For some people, polyamory is such a central part of life that they perceive it as part of their identity, much like gender or sexual orientation. For others, it is a lifestyle choice. Polyamory makes no assumptions about the sexual orientation or gender of its participants. The polyamorous community is very open to diversity.
Polyamory Is Not...
- ...suitable for everyone. It requires well-developed relationship skills and a constant commitment to developing them, as well as an awareness of one’s own boundaries and needs. No one should be forced into polyamory.
- ...cheating. Cheating is a breach of agreed rules. In polyamory, what constitutes cheating depends on what has been agreed (for example, the use of protection).
- ...polygamy. Polygamy is the practice of having multiple wives or, less commonly, multiple husbands. It is often unequal. Polyamory, however, is based on the equality of rights for all, regardless of gender.
- ...the obligation to be friends with all metamours. Everyone chooses their own level of involvement in the network of relationships.
- ...the threat to monogamy. Polyamory does not undermine monogamy. We advocate for every person’s right to choose the form of relationship that suits them best.
- ...swinging. Swinging focuses on sex, often in a closed environment, and romantic interest is usually forbidden there. In polyamory, however, the focus is on feelings.
- ...the desire for group sex. For some, it is part of life; for others, it is a completely alien idea. The expression of sexuality is an individual right.
What can be gained from polyamorous relationships
‘The best way to find out why someone might want to live polyamorously is to ask what people generally get out of intimate relationships. Love is a complicated and unpredictable business. The short answer: we are happier with others than we are alone. Humans are social animals. We are better off when we can share our lives and intimacy with others, because that is how we are made. We crave the closeness of people who see and accept us as we are, and who are also willing to open up to us. Romantic relationships are demanding, but the effort is rewarded a hundredfold.' — Franklin Wu and Yves Rickert
More Love
Polyamorous people remain open to new romantic relationships despite existing commitments. Loving several people enriches life, just as the birth of a second child does not diminish the love for the first. Through shared joy, love is often experienced thanks to a partner’s love for someone else.
More Needs Met
In monogamous relationships, partners are expected to meet their needs with their partner. In polyamorous relationships, romantic, sexual and other needs can be met with several people, whilst valuing each relationship individually. For example, you might enjoy a theatre hobby with one partner and hiking with another. This frees up everyone’s energy for the things they really want to do. It also helps avoid problems when partners’ sexual needs don’t align.
Extended Family
Some polyamorous people love the idea of all their loved ones—adults and children alike—living under one roof. Others are thrilled by the chance to spend time with their loved ones and their families, enjoying the fact that they all love the same wonderful person.
Freedom from Expectations and Norms
Polyamory is freedom from expectations and the chance to build relationships that suit you specifically. Relationships do not need to follow the ‘sliding scale’ model, where dating leads to marriage and having children. In polyamory, relationships can change in different situations, and a partner living in the same house is not necessarily considered more important than others.
Personal stories
‘I am polyamorous because, for me, love is a free and universal energy. I no longer want to place restrictions on it, having discovered that I can love several people at the same time.’
‘When I was younger, I was in monogamous relationships, but problems always arose when I fell in love with someone else. I felt like there was something wrong with me. Now I realise that’s just who I am. In poly relationships, it’s easier to coordinate sex: it would be silly to end a loving relationship just because our preferences in bed don’t match.”
‘I came to polyamory because I met a woman who wanted a relationship with me, and for whom the existence of my civil partner was perfectly normal. Now I am fully committed to both relationships.'
What Are Polyamorous People Like?
Polyamorous people are generally sociable, open to discussion, fall in love with several people, and are honest with those around them. They are committed to safe sex and get tested for STIs regularly. A significant proportion of polyamorous people belong to sexual and gender minorities.
Gender Aspects
A culture focused on equality and choice gives women greater freedom of choice. Men may be over-represented in poly culture, as their transition to polyamory disrupts traditional norms to a lesser extent.
Non-binary and Agender People
For people of other genders, polyamory has proved accessible, although it places them at the intersection of even more norms, as they are already accustomed to questioning social standards.
Types of Polyamorous Relationships
- Polynet and Star Network (N-relationships): A network of people consisting of those who are in various relationships or are metamours to one another.
- Solo Polyamours: People who do not wish to share a household or live together with their partners, valuing personal freedom.
- Mono-Poly Relationships: Relationships in which one partner may identify as monogamous but accepts the other’s polyamory.
- Terms for Partners: Poly Partner / Mono Partner. These terms refer to the form of the relationship, not necessarily to the personal identity of the person using them.
- Triads and Quads: Relationships involving three (Triad) or four (Quad) people. In a Triad, there may be a ‘hub’ (a person connecting the other two), or all three may be in a relationship with each other.
- Poly-Fidelity: A structure of multiple relationships that is closed to new participants.
- Primary – Secondary: Terms used to describe a hierarchy. ‘Primary’ usually refers to the relationship with the greatest level of commitment (shared household, children). The term ‘secondary’ is now often considered offensive and is falling out of use.
Intimacy, Ethics and Skills
In polyamory, relationships are valued not by their duration, but by their quality and joy. They require constant work.
Happiness and Responsibility
Happiness is an inner vision that every participant works on daily. Partners can influence it, but are not obliged to ‘make’ the other person happy.
Honesty and Trust
Honesty forms the basis of trust, which in polyamorous relationships must extend to other metamour partners as well. Breaking agreements is a serious offence, as it causes harm to several people at once.
Growth and Skills
Polyamory encourages personal development. Few people are taught how to set boundaries or deal with jealousy. Jealousy is addressed by seeking reassurance of one’s uniqueness and importance from one’s partner.
Ethics in Poly Relationships
This involves respecting others’ right to self-determination and treating partners not as tools, but as valuable individuals.
Communication and Flexibility
An intensive culture of communication is required to coordinate schedules and commitments. Flexibility allows relationships to continue in a modified form where monogamous relationships might have ended.
Unicorns and Hierarchy
The community views the search for a ‘third’ in an existing couple (unicorn hunting) with suspicion. This is considered unrealistic and often disregards the rights and desires of the third party.
Models of Abundance and Scarcity of Love
A person with an abundance model sees love as an inexhaustible resource. The scarcity model often leads to conflict, as the person fears that love will diminish if shared.
What is it like to be a polyamorous person in a monogamous world?
Minority Stress and the ‘Wall of Happiness’
Fear of prejudice forces many to stay in the closet. Minority stress is the constant need to weigh one’s words and the anxiety about whether one will be accepted. The ‘Wall of Happiness’ is the need to project a perfect relationship in order to ‘earn’ acceptance. This prevents people from seeking help in time.
Experiences of Discrimination
Polyamorous people often face their feelings being dismissed when a relationship ends (‘you’ve got someone else, haven’t you?’). They may also face inappropriate curiosity about their sex lives.
Polyamorous Families with Children
Advantages: attachment to several reliable adults, more attention and financial security. Polyamory is discussed with children honestly and in an age-appropriate manner. The most frightening aspect is the threat of a complaint to child welfare services. The same support methods apply to poly-parents as to any other families.
Legal Issues Legal parenthood is often limited to two people. Visitation and custody rights can become an issue in the event of a break-up. It is recommended that inheritance matters be resolved through wills.
Polyamory and Sexual Health
Polyamory practitioners are generally well-informed about STIs.
Risk Management and Communication
Risk is mitigated by openly discussing testing history before becoming intimate. This allows each person to decide what protection to use and whether they want to have sex at all. Shame regarding STIs is considered irrational — it only hinders honesty.
Testing and Vaccination Practices
Condoms are generally used, and people get tested 1–3 times a year. Vaccination is seen by many as a way to ensure safety. Doctors sometimes refuse to test people (‘why do you need another one?’), which forces people to lie or go to private clinics.
Tips for Interacting with Polyamorous People
- Ask questions boldly and without prejudice. Questions show a desire to help.
- Relationship Network Map. Draw a diagram of connections to understand the context.
- Don’t make it the focus. If the problem isn’t polyamory, there’s no need to make it the centre of the discussion.
- Professional Ethics. Do not make polyamory a scapegoat for any problems.
- Language and Terminology. Use the client’s preferred terms. Ask ‘How are your close relationships?’, avoiding assumptions about monogamy. Respect children’s right to define family members in their own terms.
